By Robin D. Stone
Essence
June 2004
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Kea Gibson's son had always been respectful and a good student. But by the time he turned 12, he had been reprimanded for tardiness and suspended for cursing at school. What changed? His mom is convinced it's the company he keeps. "Devon has always been a leader," says Gibson, a hospital unit clerk who lives in Milwaukee. "But now he seems very impressionable. He sees his friends using profanity and acting out in school, and he wants to be like them." As summer approaches and Devon has even more free time to spend with his peers, Gibson says she worries that things may get worse. "I know I have to let him learn on his own and make his own mistakes," she says. "But if this keeps up, I'll have to say, 'You can't be friends with them.'"

Many parents can relate to Gibson's struggle. Peer pressure is powerful enough to counteract even the best upbringing. But, experts warn, as parents we have to be careful about how we fight these influences. If we come on too strong, our children can lose confidence in their ability to pick friends.

THE POWER OF PEERS
It's hard for a parent to know when to give a child space and when to draw the line on worrisome friendships. For younger children that answer comes easy. A 5-year-old's friendships are often orchestrated by her parents, says Kenneth Rubin, Ph.D., director of the Center for Children, Relationships and Culture at the University of Maryland. But as they grow older, he explains, children's choice of friends becomes much more complex. "Starting around middle school, similarities in attitude and opinion, and common tastes in music and clothing bring kids together," says Rubin, who is also author of The Friendship Factor: Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World--And Why It Matters for Their Success and Happiness (Penguin). "That powerful connection can be tough to sever."

Rubin notes that middle school is also about the time children start wanting to be part of the in crowd at school. Trouble is, he says, kids become popular for different reasons. "You have those who are admired because they are generally likable," he explains. "Then there are those who become popular because they are more dominant, for example, or considered to be cool."

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