The Company They Keep: What you can do when your kid's posse is a problem (cont.)
............................................................................................................................
To help your child avoid the popularity game, Rubin suggests, encourage her to pursue positive, supportive relationships instead of wanting to be part of the in crowd. That means talking to your child long before adolescence about why she should choose certain friends. Say things like "A true friend won't tell you to do something that'll get you in trouble" or "Good friends want you to do well in school." The objective: When a friend encourages them to do something they shouldn't--cut class, try drugs--they'll know it's time for that friendship to end.
Gerlma Johnson, for one, is seeing the rewards of such talks with her children. One of her daughters and a close girlfriend recently parted ways because the friend wanted to have sex with boys. Johnson, who is principal of a public middle school in Detroit, believes her daughter was better able to handle the situation because of the strong family values instilled in her from an early age. "Even when they were little, I would say, 'This is not what our family expects of you, or our religion expects of you,'" she explains. "Eventually they know to do the right thing because it's right, not because they fear repercussions from their parents."
Johnson's approach works, experts say, because it gives the child responsibility for making her own decisions. "Eventually some children will walk away from a relationship if it goes against what they've been taught," says Sheila Walker, an associate professor of psychology at Scripps College in Claremont, California. But if there's something you really don't like, by all means speak on it, walker adds. "Simply say 'I've seen that Kenny does so-and-so and I don't approve of it.' Make sure to focus on the behavior, not the child," Walker says.
One way to get your child to hear you out is to get to know who his friends are, and to make sure they know you. Make your home a place where your kids and their friends like to hang out. Volunteer to take your son and his crew to a movie, the mall or some other activity. Also introduce you r children to kids you've met--through friends, relatives or teachers--and like. It's a great way to expose them to youngsters who share your values. These arranged matches don't always stick, but they could blossom into long-term friendships.