The Company They Keep: What you can do when your kid's posse is a problem (cont.)
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What if she has trouble making friends?
does your child sit alone while others play games together and socialize with
ease? This could be a sign that she needs help making friends. Sheila Walker,
an associate professor of psychology at Scripps College in Claremont, California,
offers this advice to parents:
* Talk to your child's teacher. In a child's early years, teachers often flag parents when they notice a student having trouble socially, Walker says. Parents should listen carefully and take the teacher's concern seriously. "Ask questions LIKE, 'What have you noticed?' and 'Is there a pattern to what you see?'" says Walker. This can help you determine the source of the problem.
* Help your child make connections. If your child seems a bit fearful of new people, don't push her, Walker says. Instead, help ease her into situations in which she can make friends. Ask who she likes in her class, and perhaps arrange a one-on-one playdate or outing with that child. Organize structured activities for them, such as baking brownies or playing board games, where they can get to know each other better, but the focus isn't on themselves. If your young one is comfortable, leave the room and observe her behavior. Note her strengths and the areas where she can improve, such as her ability to share and whether she is too dominant or too passive. After the visit, talk with her about the experience and ways to have an even better one next time.
* Look at your own lifestyle. "Some kids have difficulty because their parents are not sociable," Walker says. If that's you, find a family you'd like to spend more time with, invite them over, and start modeling good friendship behavior.
* Seek professional help if necessary. Some children, such as those with autism or attention or hyperactivity problems, have trouble recognizing and developing the social skills needed to initiate and sustain friendships, Walker says. If your child is extremely withdrawn, painfully shy or overanxious, you might ask your pediatrician to refer you to a psychologist or another specialist who can help you figure out what's behind the behavior. With psychological help and, if necessary, prescribed medication, such children can develop rich, nurturing friendships too.—Robin D. Stone
Robin D. Stone is a freelance writer who lives in New
York City.
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