By Robin D. Stone
Essence
December 2004
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Each year Surayyah Spears goes all out to give her six-year-old son, Tariq, an unforgettable Christmas, even though they are Muslim. Last year's holiday haul, which included all the latest toys and video games he'd asked for, clothes and a new bed and nightstand, set her back $1,200. But Spears, 36, of Cleveland, has seen Tariq open a carload of gifts in 20 minutes, only to head right back to his room to play with old favorites. "As parents we want to see the look on our kids' faces when they get something new, but it doesn't last and they only want more," she says.

So this year Spears is trying something new: she's giving Tariq fewer material gifts and more of herself. They will put up holiday decorations, bake cookies, play games and watch movies over popcorn. Not only will she save some much-needed cash for her mortgage, car note and part-time college classes, but she also hopes she will cultivate a better relationship with Tariq and help him learn to appreciate what he gets.

Experts say Spears is on the right track. With holiday advertisements encouraging us to buy, buy, buy from Halloween to Christmas Eve, it's hard to fight the urge to splurge. But with all the emphasis on gifts and getting, especially during the holidays, we run the risk of overindulging our children and we overlook the true spirit of the season.

DO WE GIVE TOO MUCH?
"We've gotten confused," says Kevin Washington, Ph.D., an individual and family therapist in Washington, D.C. "Every ritual should have meaning, but we seldom stop to think about the reason behind what we're giving." Instead, parents often use gifts for other things, Washington says, such as to make up for lost time with children, to win their love, or as a way to control their behavior.

"Financially, I know I overdo it," Spears says. "It's a Catch-22. You work long hours to be better off, but you tend to compensate for that missed quality time with material things. I can't recall Tariq being disappointed, but I know he'd

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