The "Buy Me" Blues
............................................................................................................................ prefer to have me to himself," she adds. "I can tell that what he really wants is my undivided attention, especially when I'm on the computer and he comes and sits on my lap. He says it or shows it in many ways."
Addams-Pilgrim wants to learn how to celebrate in moderation. "Our kids already have too much," she admits, explaining that she once gave five garbage bags of toys to charity and none of her children missed a thing. In fact, they often seem overwhelmed when they receive even more gifts from grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.
HOW TO STOP MATERIAL MADNESS
By giving too much, we could be setting up our children for a painful adulthood, says Jean Illsley Clarke, Ph.D, a family life educator in Minneapolis. "Children who are used to getting everything they want stay at the center of the universe," says Illsley Clarke, who is also co-author of How Much is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children
(Marlowe & Company). They may interrupt, barge in on other people's time, make scenes when they're not satisfied or take other's property with ease, she says. "They don't know to respect others because it's all about them."
Illsley Clarke's research of adults shows that looking back on their childhoods, many would have gladly traded the toys, games and TV for more time and attention from their parents. But with marketing's powerful influence, children are more likely to ask for the latest movie-inspired toy than an afternoon of fun and games with Mom or Dad. That's why it's important for adults to determine limits and structure, says Illsley Clarke. "We often think that overindulgence comes from not having had much yourself, but there's another side. For someone who has had everything, it's normal for her to give everything."
If you are a parent who gives too much, or have a child who you think has too much, Clarke offers the following advice to help children develop an attitude of gratitude:
- Set a limit of no more than 10 gifts total from family and friends per child. If your child receives more than 10 presents, put the rest away until later-and let your child know when later is, she says. Or you can open gifts to learn who sent what so that you can write thank-you notes, then date the gifts for use another day.