Silent No More: (cont.)
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refuses to accept what's going on, they're often thinking about what it could do to their career and to their family," Cunningham says. "It took a lot of courage for Kim to say this happened, and the mother left her child to heal herself."

Kim has been trying to do just that. Now working toward her college degree, she has been in therapy for years, though she admits she doesn't go as often as she should. "Sometimes it's too hard," she says. Yet therapy is crucial to Kim's healing process, Cunningham says. "There's a loss of innocence, a loss of childhood and family," she explains, and Kim needs to mourn that loss. Therapy can be a safe place to grieve.
Cunningham also sees in Kim a woman who needs to get angry. "People who stay in victim mode blame themselves," she says. "They see themselves as bad and dirty. In some ways that's safer than unleashing the anger that's inside. You need to give yourself permission to be angry. Say `I deserved to be listened to; I deserved protection.' When you're a victim, you don't feel like you deserve anything. When you're angry, you're moved to action; you're empowered."

One of the most difficult memories for an abuse victim to deal with is the sensation of physical pleasure that she may have experienced. Even now, Kim struggles to understand how she could have felt pleasure while being raped. "It was like looking forward to a lover," she says, her voice almost a whisper. "And as much as I looked forward to it, it repulsed me too."

As disturbing as Kim finds this aspect of her abuse, her experience is not uncommon. "It's very difficult for many to accept," Cunningham confirms. "You can be terrified and confused but still have an orgasm. Kim should know that her body did what bodies are supposed to do--it responded to touch. That's how bodies are made. She needs to know she's not a perverted soul."

Seven years ago, after Kim's stepfather died, she began to reach out to her mother. But their conversations often spiral into accusations and tears. Though she still longs for the nurturing that she feels she missed while growing up, Kim recognizes that she is more likely to get it from supportive friends and family members than from her mother. "She is what she is," Kim sums up, "but I still love her. And I know I'm going to be okay."

Common Ground

While every experience of sexual abuse is different, some common therapeutic themes emerge: We need to understand the role of power in our relationships, and hold our abusers accountable for their actions. And we must learn to treat ourselves kindly as we work to come to terms with what happened. "You can't mark progress or breakthroughs," Maelinda Turner says of the healing process, "but you can look back six months or a year and know that you're in a different place."

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