Robin D. Stone

Race, Stigma and Silence
”Standing in the Shadows: Understanding and Overcoming Depression in Black Men,” by John Head. Broadway Books, $22.95.
"No Secrets No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal From Sexual Abuse,” by Robin D. Stone. Broadway Books, $23.95.
The New York Times
August 17, 2004
By John Langone
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About her own abuse by an uncle, she writes: ''If I had known that my uncle had no right to touch me and that I could tell on him, then I might have yelled or screamed that night. If I had known how we as a people are still struggling with the crippling effects of slavery and racism, I would have understood that my family's silence after the secret came out was nothing personal. It was inspired by years of fear and oppression and passed on from one generation to the next.''

Ms. Stone notes that blacks are sexually victimized in childhood at the same rate as whites, but that one survey reported that they were more severely abused, with greater force. Some, she says, deal with the pain of sexual abuse by ''living with it for so long that we actually get comfortable with it.''

Eventually, she says, it must be faced, with the help of family response and support. ''Some survivors say that the one reason they never disclosed a history of sexual abuse is that they were never asked,'' she writes. ''Even if a parent recognizes unusual behavior, they may find it too difficult to bring up. But often, they simply don't know what to say.''
As part of her therapy, Ms. Stone wrote angry letters to her uncle, all of which she tucked away. Today, she says, the anger is gone, ''replaced by insight and compassion and a demand for accountability.'' At one point, she says, she did plan to send the letters. ''Then I decided not to and, instead, I thought, I'll send this book to him, and to others in my family. It is never too late to begin healing.''

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