When the political correspondent Abby Phillip posed a tough question to the former president at the White House in 2018, and he responded with “What a stupid question,” Phillip did not falter or shrink. The Black female reporter exhibited what I call grace, remaining composed and focused on her job, in the face of stunning rudeness. It would not be the only time the Harvard grad demonstrated such poise, but it was a defining moment. 

Similarly, in 2021 when Sheryl Underwood of The Talk confronted her co-host Sharon Osbourne about the topic of racism, she remained calm and respectful as Osbourne got increasingly agitated and defensive. Even after Osbourne told Underwood, on air, to withhold her own emotions, Underwood remained calm, present and willing to listen under duress, allowing space for her friend and co-host to share her feelings about an issue that wasn’t about her, but that she seemed to take personally. In this example, Underwood, known more for her caustic persona, displayed remarkable self-control, patience, dignity and grace. 

In a society where we are often disrespected both as women and people of color, grace is essential to our mental health and well-being.

Grace. It is a quality we know when we see, hear and experience it. It means different things to different people and has a specific religious significance in the sense of being in God’s favor. But the behavior that Phillip and Underwood displayed under pressure is a form of grace that all Black women could benefit from cultivating within ourselves. In a society where we are often disrespected both as women and people of color, grace is essential to our mental health and well-being. As Black women, we have times when we may be justified in wanting to go off. We can and should still stand up for ourselves, and it’s grace that will keep us grounded, balanced and – in the long run – well. 

Why does grace matter? If we responded to every instance of racism and sexism with anger or defensiveness, we would be at the mercy of the ignorance of others, which would harm our mental and physical health. Research has shown that even perceived discrimination is a factor in chronic stress-related health disparities, including hypertension and diabetes in African Americans. Grace may be one effective remedy for coping with and healing from the racism we routinely face.

Dignity, thoughtfulness, and considerateness are other words associated with grace. Ease of movement, like a ballet dancer, as well. To grow in our gracefulness, we need to be self-aware and practice grace in how we show up in the world every day. It also means showing grace to ourselves.

Here are some simple and profound ways to cultivate and manifest grace in your daily life:

Use Affirmations as Reminders. Brainstorm simple statements you can repeat to yourself in moments when you could use a little grace. Examples include:

“When ____ happens, I remind myself that I am _____.” 

“In hard times I lean into my _______.” 

“I speak up when I see ________.” 

Use colorful pencils or pens to write all your affirmations on one page, or each on its own page. Frame and display your words as reminders of your capacity for grace. 

Laugh a Little. Humor can also help us to build grace. Can you think of a time when you temporarily lost it over a minor issue and realized later with hindsight that you overreacted? Try to bring that big-picture perspective to moments that might call for grace. Can you laugh at the small stuff? You can often find humor in the little mistakes and mishaps of life.

Let It Go. Is there someone in your life you hold a grudge toward? Who you haven’t spoken to in years? Maybe it’s time to forgive them; or, to forgive the most important person – yourself. If you can’t get to forgiveness, what would it mean for you to get to a place of resolve? In this way, you decide that you’re not going to carry the hurt forward. Sometimes letting go of old hurts can be healing and expand your capacity for grace. 

Relax Your Expectations. As Black women, we often demand a lot of ourselves, and others, too. But expecting perfection can cause unnecessary stress. Know when you’ve done good enough and reward yourself. Acknowledge when your partner or children might be doing the best that they can – even if you think they could do better. Express your appreciation for yourself and the people you care about every day.

Speak Gently. We are often stereotyped as being “angry” – yelling and swiveling our necks when tested. Yet that is not who we need to be. Like Underwood, we can be intentional about our tone and words in even the most trying situations. 

To help manage your behavior in response to difficult experiences, use “opposite action” a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy technique for emotional regulation. For example, if you’re so upset you want to scream at somebody, take a deep breath and speak in a low and measured voice. This technique calls for you to practice mindfulness – to be more aware of your emotional and physical responses.

Show Grace to Receive Grace. Say “thank you” more often. Smile, and notice the shift in your mood. Give what you can to people in need. Don’t expect anything in return but know that your generosity is a model for others and contributes to more grace in the world. 

Finally, to expand your sense of grace, consider the poem by former National Poet Laureate Elizabeth Alexander, "Praise Song for the Day," created for the first inauguration of President Barack Obama in 2009. Written for a momentous occasion, it reflects grace in the everyday way we overcome challenges in our lives – ordinary people doing extraordinary things – as well as in our shared and individual histories. With elegance and plain-spokenness, it encourages us to consider our capacity to move forward with hope. Here’s my favorite passage:

Praise song for struggle, praise song for the day.

Praise song for every hand-lettered sign,

the figuring-it-out at kitchen tables.

Read the full poem, Praise Song for the Day, and reflect on what it says about grace to you.

Lately it seems like a day doesn’t go by without some challenge to our identities as Black folk. States are passing laws to suppress the teaching of Black history, books featuring Black characters or stories are being pulled from school and library shelves, and Black scholars like Nicole Hannah Jones and Kimberlé Crenshaw are targets of attack. 

This opposition to our culture and heritage is not new, but it seems to be intensifying and filled with more animus. Hard-fought gains are being eroded as affirmative action continues to be chipped away and diversity and inclusion programs are questioned or abandoned altogether. This onslaught of anti-blackness strikes at the very core of who we are -- and our identities as Black people. It puts us on the defensive and threatens to undermine our sense of self. It’s a wake-up call to recognize what’s happening and clap back.

In an upcoming book that I am co-authoring about Black women and resilience, we speak about the power of identity and the role it plays in the lives of Black women. Black women can thrive in the face of racism if we know who we are – if we embrace our history, acknowledging the places of struggle while working to rise above our circumstances. Discovering the internal self is about embracing those qualities and characteristics that are uniquely ours and feeling safe enough to be our most authentic selves. 

Our identity can serve as a shield against resurgent racism and misogyny.

Identity has become a loaded word, associated with "identity politics," "wokeness" and other polarizing ideas. Owning our identity means recognizing and celebrating our culture, our individual stories, our collective stories, our values. All of that factors into what makes each of us unique. It also gives us common ground and a collective sense of purpose. Our identity can serve as a shield against resurgent racism and misogyny. Without a clear sense of identity, we may easily fall prey to stereotypes – how others view us and who they say we are.

As we reflect on this past Black History Month and celebrate Women’s History Month, it’s the perfect time to reflect on and celebrate all that makes us who we are. But how can you reaffirm your sense of self?

Here are ways to reframe the concept of identity and use it to your advantage. 

Name and claim who you are. Choose a word that describes something about you. It may be something that others do not know or see. Consider what makes you unique and be sure you choose a positive word. Maybe you describe yourself as “playful” or “creative” or “determined.” If you’re not sure, ask a close friend for suggestions. Once you settle on a word, write it down and then describe at least three ways in which you live out that aspect of yourself. Then describe at least three ways in which you plan to express it more in the future. 

Explore your people’s history. Talk to an elder in your family or community to learn about your people, who they are and how they came to be. Flip through old family photographs to start the conversation. Is there a story that has been passed down that you can learn more about? Does someone in your family have a name (or nickname) that you want to know more about? You can look into DNA testing for African Americans to go further back into your family tree. Who were your ancestors? What were they like? Where did they live? What did they do? Consider how they have contributed to who you are today. 

Learn about your own name. If you don’t already know the story behind your name, find out. If you were named after an ancestor or historical figure, do a little digging to discover more about them. Does your name have a meaning? Explore its significance.

Be clear about your values. In many ways we are our values, or the beliefs that guide and motivate us. To strengthen your identity, bring into focus what matters most to you. Maybe it's family or community or social justice. Try this 10-minute values exercise. In what ways are you, or could you be, living these values more fully? 

Express yourself. As Black people, we often talk about code-switching to adapt to the environment we’re in. There is a time and place for that, but we also owe it to ourselves to be ourselves wherever we are. Whether at work or at home, fill it with family photos, artwork and books that reflect your identity and values. Wear jewelry or clothing that expresses your true self. Share ethnic food at a work potluck or lunch. Surround yourself with elements that reflect your Black identity.

Write and reflect. Revisit Dr. Maya Angelou’s anthem to self-awareness and resilience, Still I Rise. Use the following prompts to explore your personal history and embrace your identity. Write to one, two or all three prompts.

1. In the poem, Dr. Angelou is letting someone know that it doesn’t matter how they perceive her – how she sees herself is what matters. Write a brief letter to someone describing how you see yourself, and even how your perception might challenge theirs.

2. Dr. Angelou writes: I rise – Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave…

What gifts do you bring from your ancestors? How are you using them or how do you intend to use them?

3. What words or lines speak to you the most? Write about why.

Once you’re done, take a few minutes and review what you wrote. Write three feeling words that reflect how you feel when you read your own words. How does your writing inform how you see yourself?

Every February, Valentine’s Day serves as a reminder to let our romantic partners know we care about them and just how important they are to us. We might pick up a corny greeting card, box of chocolates, or plan a special dinner date out. But what if we took it a step further and used this opportunity to be more intentional and make a commitment to deepen our relationship? 

Even if you are content with your partnership, you can easily fall into routines or patterns and let your relationship coast on auto-pilot. If you have children or demanding jobs, finding quality time to spend together can be especially hard. Sex may be good but infrequent at best. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, it’s worth the effort to make your relationship just that much juicier.

How to get started? Experts at the Gottman Institute have spent decades studying married couples to uncover the secrets to happy, healthy relationships. They use the metaphor of a “Sound Relationship House” to describe scientifically proven foundational building blocks for sturdy, lasting bonds. I’d like to focus on three of the principles they have identified that you can adopt to strengthen your relationship starting today.

The following are tried-and-true ways to reconnect with your partner and keep the passion of your relationship alive and thriving.

Express Fondness and Appreciation. Yes, you love and respect your partner, but how often do you let them know? Don’t assume they can read your mind or that they already know. They need to hear it. If your partner always takes responsibility for certain chores or fixing things around the house, acknowledge that by saying something like: “I really appreciate how you ______ (fill in the specific act that they do). I love how you take care of us.” Maybe your boo volunteers or makes a point of donating time or money to those in need. You could say, “I really admire how you look out for our community.” 

The point is to identify what you appreciate about your partner and vocalize it, connecting the behavior to its impact on you and others. You could make a goal of expressing your fondness at least once per day. This practice will not only make your partner feel good, it keeps you focused on the positive, which can help sustain your partnership in times of conflict or stress. 

Turn Toward. Your partner might reach out for attention or comfort, verbally or through unspoken body language. For example, they might unexpectedly grab your hand or share a detail about their day. That is what the Gottmans refer to as a “bid” for connection or support. It’s key to stay tuned to those bids and to turn toward your partner in response, i.e., receive and squeeze their hand or say something like, “Really? Tell me more about that.” 

When you make the commitment to turn toward your partner rather than ignore their signals or reject them, you communicate that you are open and receptive to their needs. If your partner tells you about something that happened to them at work or about a goal they reached, it’s time to put down the phone, turn off the TV, and give them your full, undivided attention. You can reinforce this by physically turning toward your partner and making eye contact. Here’s your opportunity to listen and make your loved one know you hear them. If your partner is troubled, you can validate their feelings by saying, “That sounds hard” or “I’m sorry you’re so frustrated by what happened.” No need to solve the problem; just empathize. This habit will encourage your partner to respond in kind when you are seeking support or acknowledgement. 

Positive Regard. Expressing fondness and turning toward your partner are building blocks of positive regard. By deciding to accentuate the positive about your partner, you focus your attention on their good qualities and contributions to the relationship rather than on the negative. It’s easy to notice what they didn’t do or to criticize this thing or that, but a negative perspective only undermines your bond. While as human beings, we may be wired to look for what’s wrong to protect ourselves, we can’t let that tendency drown out the good. 

Developing positive regard for your partner is not a passive step but an active effort. What do you appreciate and admire most about your partner? Make a point of bringing those characteristics or behaviors into focus. Let the small stuff slide and give your partner the benefit of the doubt if they make a mistake. This principle will fill the well of positivity that you can rely on when conflicts arise. It can also create a culture of positivity in the relationship that benefits you too.

These principles may seem deceptively simple but they are effective techniques for building strong, lasting relationships. I often assign clients homework of expressing positive regard at least once a day, and we can quickly see how that creates a shift in their behavior and feelings toward each other. Put them into practice in addition to buying that box of chocolates (dark chocolate, please). 

If you and your partner are interested in learning three powerful ways to make love last, attend my upcoming workshop, "Heartsongs" for couples only on February 25th. We'll use literature and lyrics to help you deepen your intimacy, connect with compassion and more.

Imagine this scenario: You are at work one day and receive an email announcing that a colleague (who joined the organization later than you) was promoted above you or received a key assignment you were hoping for. Like a team player, you congratulate your coworker, but you quietly seethe about the lost opportunity. 

What did you do wrong? Why weren’t you the one to receive that raise or plum project? These are questions you may have, but might never ask out loud.

This may be a familiar experience. And it’s a lesson, too. As Black women, we are often on the front lines for social justice and quick to speak up for others. But when it comes to our personal needs, some of us might be reluctant to rally for ourselves. Self-advocacy is an important life skill that you need to create the life you want and deserve.

You may not have adopted self-advocacy growing up if your parents didn’t allow you to have a voice in the home, or if you never witnessed it in practice because they didn’t know how to advocate for themselves in a hostile world. Without the ability to identify what you want and ask for it unapologetically, you may have allowed others to take advantage or walk all over you.

But it’s never too late to learn self-advocacy and the ability to speak up for what matters to you. You have responsibilities, such as putting in the work, but you also have rights – including the right to be heard and treated equally.

What Stops You from Speaking Up?

I often explore this issue in my therapy practice. Some clients don’t self-advocate because they fear rejection or an angry response if they do stand up for themselves. That is the case at work as well as in relationships, where women often wait and wait for a partner to take the next step out of fear of losing them if they ask for what they want. 

Another barrier to self-advocacy might be settling for another person’s vision of who you are. Just because a boss doesn’t see you in a leadership position or doesn’t recognize your contributions doesn’t mean you have to accept their perspective.

Racism and sexism may also be factors. If you consciously or unconsciously assumed that a certain opportunity would never be open to a woman or a person of color, you might never go for it. The experience of bias or microaggressions might also cause you to hold back. 

Becoming Your Own Advocate

Learning to speak up for yourself can seem daunting. But you can do it with some internal examination and these steps:

Clarify Your Values. To practice self-advocacy, you need to first identify what you value, whether that’s in a career or in a relationship. What matters to you most in this situation?  What do you need? Try this exercise to help you discover your core values and write them down.

Find the Right Time. Once you are clear about your values, like any new skill, self-advocacy takes planning. If you want to ask for a promotion or new title to match your growing responsibilities, think through who you will ask, where and when. Your next one-on-one meeting or an annual review might be the ideal opportunity. 

Make Your Case. Prepare your argument: What contributions have you made that warrant the new position? If you can quantify how you’ve improved the bottom line or cite examples of achievements, it will build your confidence and increase the likelihood you’ll be heard. 

Get Feedback. Ask a mentor, friend, career coach or therapist to role-play with you and provide feedback. Even making the ask of an empty chair can have benefits. 

Plan for Plan B. Finally, decide what you will do if the answer is no. It may be enough for you to have stated what you want. But if it’s not, consider asking your boss what you need to do to earn the promotion or raise. Do you need to receive additional training? Or volunteer for a high-profile project? Or you might simply decide it’s time to dust off your resume and to move on.

In the case of a romantic relationship, the process of self-advocacy is the same: zero in on what you value and want, practice the conversation you will have, and consider what you’ll do if your partner doesn’t respond the way you hoped. By asking for a commitment, you might get it. But if you are disappointed, you’ll walk away with a stronger sense of who you are and what you need to be happy.

Whatever happens at work or in life, standing up for your values will give you a greater sense of agency and strength in knowing you are responsible for your life.

Start the new year with a magical question…

As we forge ahead into a new year, the idea of resolutions can feel either rote or overwhelming. Even if we set motivating goals, by mid-February we may already feel as if we’ve fallen behind and nothing has changed. We’re ready to give up, and our habits and lives continue as before.

Typically we want to make resolutions because, on some level, we are frustrated or find some part of our lives unsatisfying. In my therapy practice, I often hear clients talk about the intense pressure to perform at work without support or constant concern about being less than perfect. They are employed at a job that pays the bills and then some, but they are not inspired and fulfilled by the work that they do. They want something more but can’t determine what it is or figure out how to get it.

Chasing the next achievement or task on a to-do list may not provide the joy we seek. So how do we think differently about a fresh start or create a new opportunity to change habits? Instead of drafting a list of resolutions or goals you think you should meet, use the inspiration of a New Year to get intentional about what you want to do differently and lay the foundation for a more genuine shift that lasts.

One way to prepare to get unstuck from the past is to take a step back and consider deeper issues about what gives your life meaning. Ask yourself an Adlerian "magical question:" 

If you could wave a magic wand and make this change in your life, how would it be different??

This simple question, inspired by the philosopher and psychiatrist Alfred Adler, is powerful and effective. It's one I often pose to clients because to it gives permission to dream, to see how life might unfold and to consider the fears and real or perceived obstacles that might keep you from taking steps to change. 

To start this New Year with an open mind and different perspective, I recommend allowing a magical question to guide you as you delve into these three journaling activities. Carve out some quiet time (about 30 minutes total), get comfortable, grab a cup of tea and your favorite pen, and write as you reflect on the following:

1. Identify the issues. Make a list of 3-5 aspects of your life where you feel stuck and would like to see a change. The list might include a relationship, a work issue, finances or self-care. Once you make the list, go back to each item and add a line or two that reflects what you want to change in a given area. Get granular: In your relationship, do you want more passion? What does that look like? More fun? When doing what? At work, do you want more autonomy? More flexibility to work from home? What do you want your typical day to look like?

If you’re unsure about how you'd like to change a particular item on your list, repeat the magical question, focused on a specific issue.

2.  Narrow your focus. Now that you have your list of life areas you’d like to change, choose just one that resonates with you the most. Or rank the items in order of importance and choose the one that feels most urgent. Write about why you want to see change in that particular area of your life. Complete these sentences: 1. What makes that issue so important to me is __________. 2. Making a meaningful change in this area will make me _____________. 3. This change fits with my vision for myself to _____________. This step will help you clarify why this matters to you.

3.  Write a letter to yourself. Imagine yourself one year from now. Write yourself a letter from your one-year-later perspective about the changes you made in the life area you chose. Assume you were successful in making a difference and congratulate yourself. How did you address any concerns you currently have about making a change? Describe how you overcame any challenges. High-five yourself for working hard, for staying focused, for not letting others’ doubts sow doubts in your own mind and heart – you did that!

Be specific about steps you took each day, each week or each month to bring your change to fruition. Let's say your focus was self-care. Perhaps you lowered you stress by adding acts of self-care to your calendar so you would not miss your "appointments." Or you mapped and pursued a strategy to trade a soul-sapping job for more meaningful work.

When you're done, review your letter. Consider what feelings come up as you read your words to yourself. What are you curious about? What do you feel in your body? What changes might you want to make as a result of your writing? Take a few minutes more to write about about about your self-reflection. This might be your road map for your first steps toward change.

Why does this technique work? It taps into and releases the power of your thoughts, which can get buried in the day-to-day and other people’s expectations, and engages your feelings and your fears, which can dampen or drive your motivation. By stating what you want and acting “as if” it already happened, you create the mindset for growth and give yourself hope. 

Start today! What’s one key area of your life where you want to get unstuck over the next year? Share in the comments below.

During the winter months, those of us in cooler climates may be inclined to spend more time indoors as the temps drop and daylight savings comes to an end. And if you work from home, it can be even easier to stay inside and be less active (hello, Doordash and Uber Eats). But when we do this, we miss out on critical time in sunlight, which can trigger changes in the body such as reduced serotonin, vitamin D, or too much melatonin, which can affect your mood.  

There are ways you can counter these feelings and boost your vitamin D, such as using “happy lights” light therapy in your space, and eating foods such as fatty fish, dark leafy greens and even dark chocolate. But don’t miss out on the feel-good benefits of getting outdoors and moving your body. 

Communing with nature can help us avoid the negative moods and melancholy of the season. Research has shown that exposure to the natural environment can reduce depression and anxiety. It also keeps us active, which counters the poor health effects of sitting for long periods indoors.

If you feel sad for two weeks or more, if you find it hard to get out of bed, if you notice yourself isolating or losing interest in things you used to enjoy doing, consider talking to a therapist. Whether or not you decide to seek counseling, spending more time outdoors and in nature will support your healing. So bundle up and try these activities:

Go for a walk or hike. Take a brisk walk in your neighborhood or at a local park with hiking trails. Walking is free and has so many benefits, including getting your heartrate up and getting you outdoors and closer to nature. Tune into a Girltrek Black History Bootcamp podcast for inspiration. 

Keep playing outdoor sports. Just because it’s cold out, you don’t have to stop playing sports you enjoy like basketball, tennis or throwing a football. Make it a family outing or join a local team. The activity will warm you up and the camaraderie will boost your mood.

Bask in sunlight. Even though there are fewer daylight hours, be sure to soak up some rays when you can. Step outside for a few minutes in the morning, during your lunch break or at the end of the day to experience the warmth and beauty of sunlight. You may even catch a lovely sunset.

Having fun in the snow.

Enjoy the snow. Even if you’re not a winter sports fan, you can still get a good workout in the snow. Try cross country skiing or snowshoeing, which is something I love to do. You’ll work up a sweat even when it’s cold. If you have kids, take them ice skating or sledding. Build a snowman together or surprise them with a snowball fight. You might just reconnect with the child in you.

Visit a local zoo, botanical garden or state park. These spots, which are often open year-round, get you up close to animals and greenery, and provide ideal scenery for a long walk.

Plan a trip. If you’re able, plan a weekend (or longer) escape to a warmer destination or one that puts you squarely in nature, like a mountain cabin or ski lodge. There may be opportunities like winter camping or ice fishing. A winter getaway may be just what you need to change your perspective.

Try a new outdoor hobby. Bird watching or outdoor photography can get you outside and give you a new skill that builds confidence and joy. Do a little research to find a local club or tour that you can join. 

Volunteer outside. Is there a cause you feel strongly about? There may be an opportunity to support a local charity by signing up for a fundraising walk or run, or helping to clean up a local park or support a nature preserve. Helping others feels good and prevents soul-crushing isolation. 

Another way to counter the blues and nurture your spirit is to take some time to journal. For seasonal inspiration, consider Winter Poem, a short and sweet glimpse of experiencing the wonders of winter, by Nikki Giovanni. Once you’ve read it, write to one of these prompts: 1) This poem explores seasonal transitions. What transitions are you exploring in your own life? How are they connected with the seasonal shift? 2) Like kissing snowflakes, list 5-10 ways you can embrace the change in seasons.  3) What phrase or line resonates most with you, and why? You can even do your writing outside.

Attend my monthly writing series to banish the blues

Click here to join Writing and Lighting the Way: Self-Care for Seasonal Blues.

Join my writing group to overcome the winter blues.

This monthly writing series that runs all winter until March will lift spirits that might dip when the temperature drops and the nights grow long. Using literature and lyrics, we'll explore seasonal sadness and holistic ways to welcome winter and thrive as the seasons change. First Saturday of the month for four months, starting Dec. 3. (Bring: something to write with (notepad, journal, your computer). No writing experience necessary.)

Fall is here, and it’s that time of year when most of us have reluctantly returned from vacation and rolled up our sleeves to get back to work. But as you dive back into your to-do list, it’s important to remember to make rest an essential part of your routine throughout the year. Without rest, you risk exhausting your resources and burning out. Rest, like sleep, is necessary for recharging your batteries, and just like nutrients from food, you need your vitamin “R”.

Research has shown that rest in the form of naps can reduce fatigue and boost alertness. This type of rest can improve your mental creativity and physical performance. Getting appropriate rest can also support you in maintaining a healthy weight, as a lack of sleep has been linked to increased appetite and a slowing of metabolism.

So what exactly is rest and how do you integrate it into your life? Here are some restful strategies that are relaxing and restorative. 

Walk in nature. At a park or other natural setting, take a stroll. Make sure to focus your attention on what you experience with your senses – the color of leaves, the sound of birds chirping, the scent of flowers, the feel of a breeze or the sun on your skin. Immersing yourself in nature can be profoundly revitalizing.

Write to reflect. After your nature walk, take a few minutes to reflect on what you saw and experienced, and how it made you feel. You can write about whatever comes to mind, and over time, about any seasonal changes you notice. You can also use a writing technique such as a sentence-stem, where you fill in the blank: "One thing that made me smile on my walk today was ___________ because ____________."

Meditate. Regular meditation can also help you relax deeply and even get better sleep. There are dozens of guided meditations online or available via meditation apps like Smiling Mind that can help you quiet the mind, decrease your stress, increase self awareness and slow your heart rate. 

Research psychologist James Pennebaker has studied and popularized what’s called expressive writing. The idea is for individuals to write about a difficult or traumatic situation but in a time-limited, focused way. His technique offers structure so people don’t relive traumatic memories and get overwhelmed by them.

Practice yoga. Similar to meditation, yoga can help facilitate rest. Yoga naturally activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which then tells the body to chill out. But you don’t have to twist yourself into a pretzel. Visit a local yoga studio for an introductory class or try these simple poses to get the rest you need. You can also check out yogi and self-care resources that specifically cater to Black folks. 

Tune out “noise”. What prevents us from resting? The constant ding of our phones, negative media reports, toxic people in our lives. Turn your phone off at the end of the day or block notifications; limit news-watching or scrolling to no more than an hour; and respond to negative people when you are ready (if at all) and have gotten rest. 

Have a bedtime routine. Create a restful environment by blocking light, choosing comfy bedding and keeping the temperature cool. Get in the habit of going to bed at the same time each night and aim to get at least 7 hours of shut-eye to revitalize all your body’s systems. 

Take personal days and vacation. Too many of us don’t take all of our paid time off, driven by a sense of duty or unhealthy work ethic. Take the days you’ve earned. Look at the year ahead and be thoughtful about blocking off time for your next long vacation and some long weekends throughout the year. Connecting with friends on a getaway, or even scheduling your own “mental health” day can do wonders for your well-being. 

Looking for additional support for your mental wellness?

My counseling practice offers women-centered groups to support your growth and healing, including Working While Black, a support group for Black women working in white spaces, and S.W.E.L.L., a group for single women. Join us!

Let’s say you’ve had a bad day – an upsetting blow-up with your boss or a misunderstanding with your partner. Or you’ve had a joyous time with the kids. You can get some support and nurturing, or hold on to the sweet memories, through writing – a simple yet profound technique to cultivate wellness and help you heal.

As a therapist, I know there are many different ways for my clients to process emotions and experiences besides talk therapy. I remind them that writing – even if you do not consider yourself a “writer” – is a powerful way to cope with grief, depression, anxiety and trauma. It’s also a tool for self-care when you’re feeling good. Whether you already keep a journal or rarely put pen to paper, now may be the time to add some simple writing strategies to your self-care toolkit.

Therapeutic writing techniques

Some effective writing techniques involve “containers” – which help create structure for your writing. Time is a common example of a container that puts a specific limit, say five minutes, on how long you write. Using a prompt to get you started writing is another type of container. You can write in response to a specific question, or an image such as a photograph or piece of artwork, that prompts you to think about a memory or experience. 

Psychotherapist Kay Adams developed a model for writing called the Journal Ladder that includes a spectrum of writing techniques that offer different degrees of structure, and pacing. One example of a Ladder technique is list making, like a list of 25 ways you can treat yourself that have nothing to do with food. That act of writing the list focuses your thinking and can lead to insight when you reflect on what you wrote. 

Another example from Adams is Sentence Stems. These are partial sentences that you complete, such as “Right now I feel _______” or “The most important thing I can take from this experience is _______” This sentence completion process is simple and can help provide clarity to your thoughts and feelings. Writing a letter that you don’t necessarily have to send is another way Adams suggests to stimulate insights and increase your self-awareness. 

Research psychologist James Pennebaker has studied and popularized what’s called expressive writing. The idea is for individuals to write about a difficult or traumatic situation but in a time-limited, focused way. His technique offers structure so people don’t relive traumatic memories and get overwhelmed by them.

How it works: Write about a challenging time for four consecutive days, 20 minutes per day. The situation can be something recent or from the past that troubles you, and the technique involves simply writing whatever comes up. On the third day of writing, he suggests writing about the situation from a different perspective – say, as a different person or even an inanimate object. On the fourth day, you return to writing from your perspective for another 20 minutes.

After the four days are complete, you can read and reflect on what you wrote. You can also write about how the process made you feel. Pennebaker’s research has found those who used expressive writing in this way had stronger immune systems, fewer illnesses and improved mood, among other positive benefits.

Novelist and expressive therapies expert Zelda Lockhart provides another way to write about personal experiences. She suggests using what she calls “jump starters” such as music, images or literature. If you get stuck as you journal, grab a book full of rich imagery, open it and put your finger on a page. Wherever your finger lands, that’s your jump starter.

Yet another way to write about your experience is to focus on your senses. If you are writing about a memory, for example, try to recall what it smelled like. What did it feel like? Sound like? Really tune in to and write about the details. Sensory experiences can help unlock memory and feelings. 

Writing for joy

If you make it a consistent habit, writing for just a few minutes a day can become a healing practice and a joyful experience. Focusing on gratitude in your writing can help you focus on the positive and improve both mental and physical health.  

Writing with others is also a great way to connect, share experiences and have those experiences witnessed by a supportive community. If you’d like to be a part of a community writing event, join me for Wake Up Everybody, on July 19 at 7am - 8:30am EST (Registration required). In this free virtual event, our topic is “We Won’t Go Back: Poetry, Power and Justice,” and we will use literature and lyrics to explore social justice issues. 

My practice also offers other women-centered groups to support your growth and healing, including Working While Black, a support group for Black women working in white spaces, and S.W.E.L.L., a group for single women. 

The great thing about writing is it is just for you – no one else has to read it. The act of writing can stimulate your creative juices, lead to a deeper relationship with yourself, and help you determine what changes you need to make or what actions you can take to make a difference for yourself and in the world. 

As a child growing up with asthma, I was often cautioned against strenuous physical activity out of fear that I might have trouble breathing or suffer an attack. My mother disagreed and encouraged me to try. On the other hand, my father and other relatives suggested I stick to what they considered safer, less physically demanding pastimes.

Even with my mother’s support, the belief that I couldn’t engage in challenging activities stuck with me over the years. I would do short runs or sprints but avoided long-distance running. As an adult, I was the queen of power-walking, until one day, while I was walking on a track in Harlem, an older woman ran right past me, her silver locks flowing with each step. Just seeing her out there inspired me, so I decided to give distance running a chance.

Today, after building up to longer runs over time, I can run a half hour without getting winded or provoking my asthma. Now I can confidently say that I am a runner, and it is a part of my identity.

The beliefs we hold about ourselves often stem from messages we received as children. They’re influenced by our families, by our peers and even by the media we consume. Those messages shape our identity in the present and can be quite persistent. But as adults we have the ability to shift our perspective and re-story our lives.   

Have you ever had the experience of going home for a reunion or family gathering and suddenly feeling like you did when you were a child or teenager? Old family dynamics come into play and relatives might view you and treat you the same way they did years ago. They don’t realize you’ve changed. Next thing you know, you may even find yourself responding to those family members as you did in the past. 

But you don’t have to be a prisoner to what other people think or how they see you. Our minds have what’s called neuroplasticity, or the ability to adapt. From the time we are born, the connections among the cells in our brains reorganize in response to changing needs, enabling us to learn and grow from experience throughout our lives. 

In other words, we have the power to change our identity or who we think we are.

Plot Twist: How to Re-Story Our Lives

Be mindful. On your way to a family gathering or in the moment, you can use mindfulness to keep yourself anchored in the present. You can silently say to yourself, “I am here today. It’s 2022,” or something more specific like, “I don’t have to take my cousin/sibling/in-law picking on me. I am not that person anymore.”

Set boundaries. To protect yourself from negative messages from relatives or peers, make a list of at least 10 boundaries you will enforce. For example, you can set a limit for how much time you will spend at a gathering and not feel guilty about leaving early. If people start to gossip, you can make a point of not being a part of those conversations. You can say “no” when pressured to do something you want to do. You can also set boundaries around when you are available by text or phone, and choose whether to respond to toxic messages.

Check your values. Messages from others can make us question our own choices. That’s why it can help to remind yourself what’s most important to you by engaging in what’s called a values exercise. How it works: Write out the values that resonate with you, such as balance or freedom or service. Organize the values into groups of similar ones, then attach a verb to your top values (“live in balance”) to express how you intend to put them into action. Make artwork from your top four or five values, frame it, and display it someplace meaningful to you. Engaging creatively can strengthen your relationship with your values.

Question “shoulds”. A sign we may be living by others’ expectations is frequent use of the word “should,” as in “I should be married/have kids by now” or “I should own a certain type of home/car”. If you find yourself thinking this way, try the values exercise above. When the word “should” starts to arise, you can choose affirming thoughts like, “I’m single and satisfied” instead.

Decide what's next. Now that you've identified limiting beliefs and new possibilities, how can you stretch yourself? In what ways can you grow? For me, I'm exploring a 5K and possibly even building up to a marathon. What's next for you?

Consider counseling. If you are struggling with letting go of old ideas about yourself, therapy might help. In addition to talk therapy, consider poetry therapy or drama therapy to help cultivate self-awareness and relational awareness.

Remember: You’ve always had the power to determine who you are and how you show up. Using these tools can help you activate it.

Mass shootings. War. A near-coup in the U.S. Lingering COVID cases. Another looming public health crisis. The continuing fight for justice, and so much more. All of this bad news popping up on our smartphones and TV screens every day has many of us feeling unsettled and unsafe. We barely have time to recover from one collective trauma before we face the next one. This feeling of unease is compounded for Black folks because we also live with the daily reality that we could be the targets of racially motivated discrimination and violence.

As “strong Black women” we may be tempted to ignore these feelings which may create anxiety and depression, and instead try to “push through.” This is what we’ve seen many of our mothers and grandmothers do. Our ancestors had to persevere against formidable odds. Their strength and endurance is how they survived, creating opportunities for the next generation. But that ability to keep on keepin' on has come at a price to their physical, mental and spiritual health and well-being. Today, we can release that SBW stereotype.

We don’t have to be strong in the face of extraordinarily difficult events, and more of us are starting to recognize that. In my practice, I am receiving more inquiries from Black people – Black women in particular – who are ready to process their experiences and emotions. That is a clear break from the past when we avoided counseling because of stigma and false ideas about what it means to be strong. 

And in recent years, high-profile athletes like Simon Biles and Naomi Osaka have presented a new model of strength. By putting themselves and their mental wellness first, they demonstrated a new way of being strong; by acknowledging that it’s okay to not be okay.

What would it mean for you to redefine strength? Like Simon Biles, it could mean setting boundaries, which is what the champion athlete did when she bowed out of some of her Olympic competitions in Tokyo. Or like Naomi Osaka -- who withdrew from the French Open and refused to endure the obligatory and sometimes disrespectful media interviews -- it meant saying no. Despite pressure and criticism, they both did what was best for them and not for others. 

A New Image of Strength

Here are some ways to reconsider what it means to be a strong Black woman.

Look for new role models. In the past, strength may have been defined by enduring a bad marriage, a toxic work environment or constantly doing for others. Instead, think about people in your life or in the public eye who you admire and who exemplify a different type of strength by being independent, by defying expectations or putting themselves first.

Connect with your feelings. Take a few minutes at the beginning or the end of every day to be still, be quiet and ask yourself, How am I feeling? Then write it down. To make things interesting, try it as a six-word memoir. We are so used to rushing through our experiences and not connecting them to how they make us feel, so it’s important to slow down and find ways to process our emotions. (If you're a Black woman who works in white spaces, this is especially important. To get support, you can sign up for my upcoming "Working While Black" group on September 20, 2022. We use literature and lyrics to explore self-love, striving, thriving and more.)

Commit to self-care. Audre Lorde called self-care a “radical act.” When you are feeling sad or overwhelmed, ask yourself what you need to feel better. It could be a call to a good friend, to take a walk outside or even to sleep. Try to avoid doing things that could make you feel worse like misusing alcohol or drugs, or binging on food, TV or social media. 

Rethink physical strength. We often think of strength as measured in physical endurance or power. But being strong can also mean being mobile and active, which generates feel-good endorphins that help lessen sadness and depression. It can also mean being flexible or having the endurance to climb stairs without getting winded.

Show yourself some grace. Don’t be so hard on yourself if it takes a while to break some old habits. Give yourself credit for coming this far in the face of enormous challenges, and recognize when you have benefitted from prioritizing your well-being. That is also a form of strength.